Psychological Flexibility

Maybe it’s at the heart of being a lawyer. Somewhere in the warm, gushy center that exists in there. Or maybe it’s just a trait of the people who have worked with me. But the lawyers I know are very dedicated to the well-being of others. Just yesterday, I talked to a new member who spends all of their time focused on what they can do for the people around them: to lift them up, to promote their success, to make them feel acknowledged and taken care of. 

That trait is invaluable. There should always be more people in the world who are adequately considering the perspective and needs of the people in their sphere. 

But this trait comes at a cost to you. The very same people who are busy doing a great job of taking care of other people are often doing a less-than-stellar job of taking care of themselves (which extends, by the way, to asking for help when they need it). 

Face it, those of you lawyers that are Type-A personalities — and for those of you that I call “Type-A+” personalities — you don’t like to ask for help. You don’t like to put your personal needs ahead of the tasks and goals at hand. You don’t like to put yourselves ahead of the needs of your important people.

You want to get the job done; To have the “to-do” list clean; To wipe off the mental dry-erase board. 

But what happens more often than not is that you get home with plenty of things still on your mind. There are case files on your desk that need attending to. All of the fires that sprung up to be put out ruined your nicely planned day and left you with more to do tomorrow. And so you crash out on the couch and let the TV or cell phone assist you in numbing the chaos in your head. 

Is that a problem? Well, like a good therapist, my answer is, “It depends”. 

It’s a “problem” if it’s a matter of avoiding living your life. If it’s taking away time from other things that you’d rather be doing to feel like your life is full. Maybe that’s giving some attention to your relationship. Maybe that’s exercise. Maybe that’s going to book club and socializing. 

It’s not a problem if it’s a choice of self-love. 

What does that mean? Well here’s the thing about self-love, self-esteem… whatever you want to call it. It’s an active process. Self-love isn’t a process of waiting around for things to happen to you, it’s a process of making it happen. 

So watching TV can be an act of self-love if you choose it to be that. If you sit down and say to yourself, “I am going to watch an episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ as a way to say thank you for working so hard today. I’m watching this as a way of doing something nice for myself”.

It doesn’t have to be anything more than that. It doesn’t need to be a fancy ode that you write for yourself about a deep, undying devotion to your needs being met. It just needs to be an intentional choosing and an acknowledgement of what’s actually happening. It sounds simple. It is simple. But it has the capacity to add so much more space to your life. Don’t just believe me, try it out. 

When you do something FOR YOU today, no matter how small, honor that by acknowledging what’s happening. For example, when I raid my kid’s Trick-or-Treat candy later this evening, I will be certain to say, “Oh yeah, big guy. This is a nice way to cap off an awesome day of taking care of people. You done good! This one’s for you”. 

Yours might look a little different (but you can totally steal mine if you’d like), but I want you to choose to do it. 

Intentionality is at the center of a lot of life happiness. Taking the things that we already do for ourselves and putting them into the context of intentional self-love helps us recognize that we’re not just slaves to life, but that we can make the best of even the most mundane tasks.

What are you going to choose today? What regular task are you going to do today with acknowledgment of the fact that it’s a way you’re showing yourself love?

I hope you choose many things because what I hope for you is joy, fulfillment and self-love.

If you’re a lawyer who is ready to do something about the imbalance between your work and personal life, schedule a call with me.

Be kind to yourselves, 

–Alex

Words have power. As a lawyer, you certainly must know and believe that. They’re at the very center of what you do, regardless of whether that’s contracts or litigation. Words have an innate ability to frame a perspective of any given situation, both in productive and in non-productive ways.

The following example came to my attention several years ago and I have shared it frequently since:

Imagine there are two of you. They are identical in every way other than the fact that both “yous” are living in parallel universes.

In Universe 1, there is a sign on the door to your garage that you pass through every morning. It says “Be Positive”.

In Universe 2, there is a sign on the same door that says, “Don’t Be Negative”.

How do you imagine that those universes differ?

In Universe 1, your focus is on setting out to look for the good in the world. You will find opportunities to try to embrace this goal. You will occasionally recognize yourself engaging in these behaviors and will feel good about that. On the days you come up short, you’ll know that you can do more to be a better version of yourself (mind you, I’m not one to endorse the cult of positivity).

In Universe 2, your focus will slowly drift towards all of the ways that you’re negative and are failing at this goal (after all, it’s what we call a “Dead Man Goal”). You will catch yourself having “negative” thoughts and will chastise yourself for that. You will reflect on negative days and all of the ways at which you’re not good; failing.

How many days of this divergence will it take to really alter the course of the way that you think about yourself and the world around you? 1? 7? 21? 365?

The answer to that question isn’t really the point. What’s salient here is the fact that just by simple language shifts we can potentially alter the outcomes of our experiences of the world.

And this phenomenon, to me, is a central piece to why more lawyers don’t seek help for the challenges that they experience navigating what goes on in their heads.

You see, “Mental Health” has a long and storied history. Much of it is unpleasant. The stigma associated with “Mental Health Issues” conjures scenes from moves of someone dealing with psychotic episodes; with significant limitations; with shock therapy; with bleak outcomes.

How far removed that must seem for someone who works an 8-6 job, making 6 figures per year, having a functioning family life, etc? “I don’t need help with my ‘Mental Health’, you might say. “I’m just stressed out”. 

(Sidebar: Being “depressed” isn’t what you think it is. You can still be highly functional and be depressed)

On the flipside is the buzzword that is “wellness”. Everything is “wellness” today. For many that I’ve talked to, it summons thoughts of chakras and retreat centers. It smells like lavender and patchouli. Certainly there is nothing wrong with that but again it feels far away to those that are analytical, practical, and driven.

This linguistic phenomenon is, for me, one of the biggest challenges in trying to help people help themselves. Most of the people that I work with wouldn’t fall into either of the previously-mentioned camps. Thus, talking about what I do and what we can accomplish together is a challenge.

Because the reality of life is that an overwhelming number of us are trying to manage a part of us that we weren’t adequately taught how to manage. We weren’t taught how to deal with the realities of the burdens we have chosen to carry. We weren’t taught how to organize a process, striking a balance amongst all of the many roles that we have.

We all have varying degrees of “thought-feeling-behavior-management issue”. But how do you, as lawyers, learn to talk about it in a different way so that you can approach it as best as possible without unnecessarily fanning the flames of shame that come when we talk about our deficiencies? How do we tackle the very real issues of “lawyer’s mental health” that the ABA is concerned with (as should you be)?

I have yet to find the right words to use and am coming to you with openness and curiosity about how you would talk about the process of self-support/personal improvement/navigating stress, anxiety, and depression so as to move the ball forward without inducing the weight of having “a disease”?

I’d love to hear your thoughts across the board on this issue. I’d love for us to find a way to express that “I’m not in a headspace that I’d like to be and I’m going to do something about it, not because I’m broken and need fixing, but because I know that I can live better than I am”.

As always, I’m wishing you all well. If you’re a lawyer who is ready to do something about the way your mind space influences your life situation, schedule a call with me.

Be kind to yourselves,

Alex